Uninteresting People

“Most people are only interesting before you get to know them.”

– Xenocrates

Knowledge is dangerous. The more you know, the less mystery there is, and thus, the less interesting everything appears to be. The same is true for people. Maybe that’s why I attach such a premium to the discerning factors that I think are imperative to who I consider worthwhile making friends with. See, the problem is that I always need something unique to keep my interest. Entertaining the typical run of the mill denizens of this backwater planet is usually reserved for social occasions when you’re supposed to socialize and make light conversation. That’s something I’m totally incapable of doing, since most people are masking how uninteresting they really are. I have the attention span of a house fly and most people fail to capture it. Quite frankly, average people BORE me.

Everytime I see someone who seems interesting to talk to, the minute I open the conversation and they open their mouth, it’s like I’m watching a majestic 747 burst into flames at 35,000 feet, then slowly but poetically swoon out of the sky to greet the longing concrete below, crashing and burning in an epic ball of fire that would make Jerry Bruckheimer shed a tear of artistic appreciation. That’s why 90% of the time, if you’re talking to me and I’m not even trying to carry the conversation, (usually saying stuff like “Really? Mm-hmm. Okay. Right. Sure. Absolutely. Definitely.” – or just nodding my head innocuously, then there’s a very good chance that I’m probably just humoring you – with one ear and at most, one tenth of my attention…

…probably

…unless you look really great in a short skirt and a low cut blouse. In that case, I’m entertaining myself.

My problem is that I seem to have figured out most of the motivations of most people, and somehow I’m not as easily impressed anymore when chatting to them when those motivations check out. I often find that I quickly break down their core personality into one of the four main types, discern their core psychological quirks and motivations and then decide whether or not to continue the conversation beyond “Hey, how’s everything? Good“. In fact, sometimes I say all that before they even have a chance to respond. I just want to skip the fluff and pleasantries and get right to what makes them interesting. As such, very few individuals actually strike my fancy. In fact, many of them downright annoy me. If you fall into the list below, then rest assured, my being friendly to you is provisional at best as there is quite probably something you have that I want. If you’re on this list, then congratulations. You’re among the top 10 worst personalities I’ve ever met:

1. Air Heads

I used to think that “air headedness” was a white woman thing – BOY was I wrong. Rather, it seems to be culturally propagated. Apparently, there are both male and female air heads and regrettably, I’ve met both. Usually the males are buffed like a Michaelangelo sculpture with the brain mass of a peanut. Their sentences are circular and completely devoid any shred of original thought whatsoever. There are times that I sincerely doubt that these guys are actually sentient beings. Normally I’d walk up to one and say “Hey, that’s a really cool robot“. The women are usually uncannily gorgeous with a personality depth equivalent to a puddle of water evaporating on concrete after sporadic rain. Having conversations with these people is like spray painting an ice sculpture in an oven preheated at 450°. It is vain for all the known definitions of that word. I don’t know how I get suckered into talking to these people in the first place. Oh wait, now I remember: great legs, short skirt. GOT to fix that.

2. Insecure

These are people you can’t talk to without them feeling the need to be intimidated or offended about something you said. I can’t talk about the flaws in black people around those black people who have already attached a negative connotation to the word. I can’t talk about the strange things women do around women who believe that they are above criticism. It’s like nobody is comfortable in their own skin anymore. My only wish is that I could tell who these people are before they start talking to me. I wish there was an aerosol spray I could use to repel them.  Talking to these people is like spitting into the wind in the middle of a hurricane. Objective criticism is never welcome and you’re always made out to be the bad guy. They’re a lot like dogs that like a side dish of poop to go along with their vomit.

3. Disingenuous

There are people who try to communicate information to me that is highly implausible, and then keep a straight face as if I wouldn’t already realise the con. I would consider it an insult to my intelligence, except that would make me one of the people in #2 above. When I expose the obvious flaw in their logic, they quickly fall back and immediately start to get defensive, disclaiming everything they already said as something they didn’t actually mean. Then they try to make it seem as if I never understood them in the first place. The cycle repeats itself ad infinitum until one of us realises the entire conversation is moot – usually me. Clearly, these people obviously think I was born yesterday and my intelligence meter is on empty. Talking to these people is like playing tennis with no rules. It can go on forever without any sense of accomplishment whatsoever….

4. Chatterbox

These are the most loquacious people on earth. They insist on finding me just so that they can bore me to death about the most trivial, most mundane, most uninteresting things they could possibly think of. I might just happen to be there to get a pencil, and then the conversation some how gets into pencil manufacturing sweat shops in freakin’ CHINA! I mean, WHO GIVES A FLYING HOOT?! Why do these people think I care? Chinese chicks don’t even have any ass! And what’s with them not listening to themselves?! They just stand there going on and on, yapping away… …completely obsessed with the sound of their voice, not checking that I’m no longer listening, opting not to waste my brain cells. Talking to these people is like enduring chinese water torture. It’s not painful enough to make you scream, but it lasts long enough to drive you freakin’ MAD! Good God! STFU already!  

5. Gullible

I can’t stand people who believe everything they hear – and shockingly, most of them are church people! (ok, well that one is pretty easy to understand). They remind me of me of fly traps – they catch every piece of crap that passes on the air nearby. I mean don’t these people filter ANYTHING?! Talking to these people is like trying to find a bar of soap in a deep mud lake. You spend 90% of your conversation correcting their misperceptions, only to realise that by the time you get to the meat of the matter, the real conversation was only 30 seconds long. What a waste! However, I think their gullibility has an advantage: Being as gullible as they are, I can probably convince them to leap off a cliff, thus permanently removing their DNA from the human gene pool, therefore purifying the human race! Go team!

6. Playas

There are dudes out there who think their sole purpose in life is to score women. If you try to protect your women folk from them, you’re billed as a ‘cock blocker’ and if you disagree with their womanizing philosophy, you’re billed as being gay. It doesn’t get anymore retarded than that, ladies and gentlemen. I’m pretty sure these guys don’t have a soul. They’re like dogs that sometimes have slightly higher brain functions. The thing that annoys me about these dudes is that they expect me to actually relish their rants (or care what they think) just by virtue of being male. I may be a chauvenist pig, but I respect women (that’s an ox, you moron). What annoys me even more is that so many of them maintain the same personalities well into adulthood. They NEVER GROW UP! It’s like when they hit 17, they get stuck in a moment they never grow out of. Talking to these guys is like dancing to a scratched record. You can only go so far before you realise  the vinyl really was intended to be used as a frisbee for your dog.

7. Obnoxious Women

There are women out there who are so obnoxious that they enjoy flaunting their impulsive behaviour whenever they can’t have their way right away. I like to make my conversations more of a feat of endurance for them as it gives me great pleasure to watch them break. They always break. You, see, I love to push buttons and that’s exactly why I love to work with computers. In fact, I push buttons for a living, so I’m pretty damn good at it. The fact that some of these women actually get married is SCARY. So that’s why I try to do my part for mankind by breaking their wills and make them hate enough men to keep their genes out of the pool.

For me, chatting to these femme fatales is like killing mosquitoes with a nuclear warhead. It’s wicked fun to watch the explosion, even though the decimation is bit of an overkill. Overkill is good though. It’s like watching one of those action movies where a car flips over, and immediately, yet inexplicably bursts into a white hot mushroom cloud of yellow flame (can you spot the malapropism, airhead?). You see, most of these types of women are not very good at having a logical argument (they’re right brain dependent). So can you imagine a woman who is easily angered who just won’t give up? No matter how much or how hard they get reduced to cinder, they just keep coming back for more! She’s literally a 20 tonne C4 unit just waiting to go BOOM! …and and GOD knows how much I LOVE to make people go BOOM! –  MUAHAHAHAHAAA…

8. Fat Chics

Now I don’t have anything against fat people. But for some reason, many fat chics are always the most extroverted people I’ve ever met. WHY?! A meek fat chic every once in a while would be nice for a change. But a fat chic who insists on exposing herself or showing it off (whatever that saggy crap is) and worse, thinking that because I’m a black man, I should automatically show interest or else I’m gay, should really take some extra classes in REALITY CHECK 101. Chatting to an obnoxious fat chic is like bailing water out of the Titanic with a teaspoon. It requires a lot of effort, and guarantees absolutely no satisfaction whatsoever.

9. Pseudo-Intellectuals

The most annoying thing about these people is their affinity for being drawn to me. When you’re stupid and you’re trying to sound smart, I see you as a desperate on auto-detect. Chatting to these people is like having a conversation with your own echo. They just keep repeating everything you say, stringing random stuff together in the hopes that it will make sense. Usually I just tell them that they’re right, just so that the conversation can end – at which point I go in search of obnoxious women that I can nuke for great justice.

10. People who think they know me

There is no shortage of people who’re trying to figure me out, particularly since I don’t come with a user manual they can read (or CAN they read?). I love being eccentric. Watching the confusion on the faces of the intellectually inept is quite satisfying – for all the wrong reasons, I’ll admit. Mystery does seem to make for good brain fodder, and even more interesting conversations – which is probably why most of these people are women. The only thing that ticks me off is when these morons feel compelled to share one of the many “discoveries” they’ve had about myself with me, like it makes them somehow accomplished. I mean, what do they want? A freakin’ medal?

Listen, most people don’t like to hear your opinion of them if you’re going to get it wrong – especially if you do it that often – particularly when YOU DIDN’T ASK. It reeks of misplaced self importance. Between the two of us, only I am good enough to pull that off without seeming pretentious. Listening to you people is like taking diet tips from a fat bastard. It’s not only pretentious rubbish coming from a Dr. Phil wannabe, but it makes you look like a tv commercial actor trying to win an Academy Award™ – especially when you sport a smug and you don’t have a penis in your pants. You dumb cow…

…and for the dudes who’re like this? Sometimes I wish I could camp out on a tall building near where you live and your dumb ass coming out of your house with a paint ball soaked in dog piss. I probably won’t go so far. I’m pretty sure I know an obnoxious woman somewhere who’s gullible enough to buy the fact that you’re an air head masquerading as a pseudo-intellectual who’s really an insecure and disingenuous chatterbox who secretly gets off on obnoxious fat chicks. She’ll be all over you like Black on Africa so she can sic you with her feminist B.S. because she thinks she knows you. You’re so terrified of me that you think putting me in a cute little box with pink ribbons doesn’t explicitly expose the fact that you’re trying to cope with your own feelings of inferiority. Don’t sweat it pal. It takes all types to make up the world. Your type however, I can do without.

Finale

All of these people started out as being mildly interesting. That was largely because they hadn’t opened their mouth yet. In fact, if you don’t see yourself on this list, it’s probably because when you opened your mouth, you confirmed my suspicions that you were in fact at least mildly interesting. However, for the rest of you who DO fall squarely on this list, even if we still happen to exchange words, I consider you to be as much an absolutely necessary part of my life as rocks at the bottom of a stagnant pond. So if after reading this you decide you don’t want to be my friend anymore, you’d be doing me a HUGE favour. There are people lined up ready to take your spot. In fact, inasmuch as Jesus loves you guys, I don’t. So sod off already and go play with a nuke or something. Just do it outside in Kim Jung Il’s front yard. I just mopped the floors.