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Damaged Goods

“Good girls are loved by the bad boys whom they seek as much as a moth is embraced by the flame to which it flies.”


This goes out to all the women out there chasing after bad boys:

One of single most profound things that I’ve discovered about women is the amazingly shallow perceptive capability that many of them are naturally born with by default.

Most women do not develop highly perceptive cognition with respect to the opposite sex until their late twenties. This I’ve found is largely as a result of how women think.

I have always found it strange how women seem to become irresistibly magnetized to men who are conspicuously bad for them. This is especially true for young women.

While pondering the cause of this rather perplexing puzzle, I recalled the works of the father of psychology, Sigmund Freud. He offers a series of intriguing clues that culminated in the obvious solution for this frustrating problem among women.

The Female Edifice

To better understand what goes on in a woman’s mind when these relationships are spawned, we need to understand the characteristics of the female edifice. This is the key to our solution.

According to Freud, every child is doomed to evolve into the parent of the same gender while becoming sexually attracted to the parent of the opposite gender. This has some very curious implications.

For those of you not familiar with psychological metaphors, Freud wasn’t referring to an Oedipus complex or any kind of incest. Rather, he was speaking to the way people evolve sexually.

Based on this now widely accepted theory, every woman is to some extent doomed to become her mother and is likewise bound to marry (or become sexually attracted to) men who are relatively identical to her father.

We know through biological research that a woman’s mother has genetically pre-determined the kind of character (and indeed the very physicality) that she will possess when she becomes mature. We know through psychological research that women tend to validate their boyfriends with their dads.

A woman’s father is her first point of reference for the opposite sex. She will thus learn to transmute her natural paternal affections into sexual ones when she finds a male who has the closest character features that match her first point of reference (i.e. her father). In other words, women are primarily attracted to men who resolve the incomplete symmetry that was their father.

The sexual desire for her first boyfriend resolves this incomplete symmetry. The collation of these two proponents is what is known as the Female Edifice. Women further determine the expected behavioural characteristics of how a female adult would relate to a male by observing her mother and father.

These characteristics become imprinted onto her mind as she approaches and goes through puberty and feed the developmental cycle as she approaches adulthood. I guess you can see clearly now where I’m going with this…

The Bad Boy Syndrome and Sex Appeal

The term “Bad boy” collectively refers to any male character that possesses a great deal of charisma, assertiveness, sex appeal, self confidence and most notoriously, a blatant, wanton and indiscriminate narcissism.

Of course, women see everything except that last part. Bad boys pickup women very easily because they often exhibit the core male characteristics that turn women on. Bad boys are like those highly fatty gourmet foods they’d love to gorge yourself on if you couldn’t get fat (or in this case, get hurt).

Similarly, like a bad habit, most women keep falling for them just like how an alcoholic systematically destroys his liver or a smoker does the same to their precious lungs.

Most women that fall for a bad boy know they are bad for them – at least the second time around (or on some subconscious level). However, because these men exude raw sex appeal, most women will not look further than the potent sexual urges they feel at that moment inspired by these guys’ masculinity.

Sex appeal is an extremely potent behavioural modifier. Sexual urges can make even the most perfectly sober persons do the most foolish things – emotionally driven women are no less so. Even women who’ve had their hearts broken by these types of men on multiple occasions will continue to patronize them so long as they maintain their capacity to elicit these emotions.

It is therefore reasonable to deduce that bad boy addiction is definitely one of the more serious problems facing single women today. However, it is not only sex appeal that drives women into the arms of promiscuous men like mindless sheep to the slaughter. Freud’s explanation factors into this as well.

Incomplete Development and Insecurity

There is a second cause for this destructive habit in women. If you understand the idea behind the female edifice, then try to imagine what would happen if one or more of these conditions were found to be true for any given woman:

  • She grows up without a father figure
  • She grows up with an abusive father figure
  • She finds first love in an abusive boyfriend
  • Her first relationship causes significant emotional trauma

Would you be surprised if I told you that all of the above conditions are causes and effects of each other? Based on Freud’s theories, allow me to illustrate a few simple ideas that you may not have thought of before:

  1. No Father – Women who grew up with no significant positive father figure will find themselves becoming attracted to all sorts of men that are bad for them. This is because they have no first point of reference on which to determine an ideal mate of the opposite sex.
  2. Abusive Father – Women who have had abusive fathers (not necessarily abusive to them – maybe to their mothers) will similarly unknowingly find themselves drawn to men who will likewise abuse them. This is because they’re using the good qualities in their abusive fathers to gauge the men they find themselves attracted to. This causes these women to constantly find themselves being attracted to men who either abuse them or treat them for less than their worth.
  3. Abusive First Love – A woman who makes the mistake of picking up a boyfriend who abuses her (not necessarily physically), will find her self confidence to have been eroded significantly. She tends to try and fix this gaping hole in her psyche with the next best thing which is likely to be either a little better or worse than the one she had before. Either way, it starts a long string of bad relationships from there on out. This is because she is only trying to quickly fill the need instead of giving thought to changing her approach for determining an ideal mate. Few women are able to break this destructive cycle.
  4. Traumatic Relationship – Women who suffer emotional trauma (esp. at the hands of an male partner) tend to develop all sorts of irrational behaviours, insecurities and self defeating thoughts. This makes it incredibly difficult for other suitable males to be seen as ideal in her eyes, as she has now become paranoid, with serious trust issues. As a result, after their bad boy relationship ends, these women tend to lump all men in the same bag as the one man that treated her badly. This is how one man can make one woman hate all men.

Collectively, these women are whom I refer to as Damaged Goods. Even though they may not be aware of it, they have had such bad experiences with men that their level of trust in the opposite sex has suffered enough significant damage to ruin the likelihood of them ever enjoying new relationships.

How to tell if you’re damaged goods

Ladies, there are some men out there who carry a natural instinct for determining women who are emotionally damaged. If they’re bad boys, they’ll swoop in for an easy kill. If they’re particularly mature men, they’ll probably try to avoid you. So check yourself if you possess any the following characteristics:

  • ZERO self confidence – A woman who can’t love herself won’t learn how to love anyone else. Love is selfish. If she doesn’t love herself enough to realise that loving someone else will make her feel happy, then she will be avoided like the plague. Decent men are not generally attracted to self deprecating women. Bad boys love women like this because their emotional vulnerability makes them easy prey.
  • Many boyfriends – If you have had many boyfriends, then that will be a sign to some men that you’re not a woman that can be made happy (or a woman that doesn’t know what she wants). 5 boyfriends or more before age 30 is usually a warning sign. If you’ve already crossed that limit, some good men will think you to be insatiable and bad boys will think you are an easy target.
  • Where’s Daddy? – While this is not necessarily true for every woman, most women who did not grow up with a positive father figure will most likely have had their share of bad boys – at least one. Very few of them are intelligent enough to break the cycle. If she isn’t already damaged, then there’s hope yet. However, if she is the type to be paranoid, unforgiving or a ball busting, ego trawler, then she’ll scare off all the decent men who want to keep their balls intact. The only remaining men will see her as a trophy to be conquered.
  • The Cosmopolitan Woman – These are women who’ve grown up with only their mothers (or mothers with abusive lovers) who try so hard to appropriate all the bad experiences in their childhood by becoming successful, that they tend to undervalue men in general. You can spot them by how they develop an allergic reaction to other women’s babies or talk smack about having children of their own. Men who are not discerning enough to avoid these women tend to cheat on them – wantonly and indiscriminately.
  • The Needy Woman – Are you a woman who doesn’t have many female friends? If so, there’s a very strong possibility that you are a clingy, needy woman. This may sound appealing to some men at first – until they want some alone time or time to hang with their wing men (i.e. their buddies). You might find that you also tend to be wicked jealous (this is part of the reason why you don’t have many girlfriends). Decent men generally see such women as emotional leeches. Bad boys usually don’t care, since they have no future plans beyond tonight for such women anyway.
  • The Damning Woman – Any woman who says that all men are [insert negative noun/adjective here], is already damaged with little hope of repair. She has had so many bad boys in her life, that her view of men is irreparably destroyed. No decent man in his right mind would engage in discussions with such women – since the long term prospects are grim. Bad boys however are so narcissistic that they generally don’t care what you think of them. You’re a score that needs to be counted and his résumé needs padding. The more damning you are, the higher your trophy value. Once he’s had you, he will brag to his wing men how he put you down like a deer in the cross hairs of an intrepid hunter.

Damage Control

In the wide gamut of women who find themselves in this unfavourable position, I usually find that there are two generally consistent categories:

  1. Women who love sex (like a man does)
  2. Women who have unrealistic expectations of men

In both cases, there’s usually a reference point problem (absentee or abusive father). The reference point creates a psychological mold with which a woman can use to discern a good male. This is concordantly why women who’ve had strong, positive male figures in their childhood are much harder to woo.

Women who lack this fundamental childhood mold will usually use the one thing they have left that drives all women to the opposite sex as the penultimate measure of male suitability: sex. Thus their inability to select a suitable male companion is partly due to a lack of emotional maturity.

In other words, women who find themselves being consistently drawn into a series of bad relationships have a very poor discernment methodology (even if it’s not their fault). Women who’ve had their trust in the opposite sex ruined by a series of unfortunate relationships will need to decide whether they are mature enough to change their approach to discerning men altogether.

Sex appeal isn’t everything. The only reason why sex appeal means so much to you is because you don’t have any other reference points upon which to base your judgment of a decent guy. Most of the time, the nice guys who you choose to ignore (usually because they lack sex appeal) are the very same guys that are significantly less likely to treat you like the scum bad boys crave.

So here’s a clue:

  • The most attractive people are more likely to take you for granted, because for them, you’re effectively an option (one of many) even though you treat them as a priority.
  • The least attractive people are less likely to take you for granted, because you’re effectively a priority (because there aren’t many), even though you treat them as an option.

With that said:

Do’s and Don’ts of spotting Good Guys

Men are not particularly complicated animals. However there are some very obvious determinants that you’ll want to be cognizant of when looking for a good guy, especially since you tend to take them for granted given your already grossly wanting, incredibly, unfathomably narrow attention span:

1. Do affirm your objectivity

You already know that most guys just want to get into your pants, right? So lay down a ground rule from the very outset that you’re not interested in having sex until married. You don’t need to mean it. If he hasn’t bolted already, then you’ve probably got yourself a potential winner on your hands. Don’t worry if most of the men bolt. They’re all doing you a huge favour.

2. Don’t try to be a heroine

You can’t “change” a man from being a bad boy. Once he’s determined that he can snag women like grocery items, there’s nothing on this earth that’s going to convince him to be any more conservative about his awesome chick magnet powers. I don’t care how smart you think you are. Men are left brain dependent. They will ultimately outsmart you sooner or later.

3. Do try the shy guys

Ladies, always remember that every “nice guy” you turn down today is potentially another bad boy tomorrow. Sexual frustration can make even the most decent men become insensitive, sexual pimps. Don’t wait until you’ve had your share of bad boys to pick a nice guy. Good Men have a shelf life too.

There are loads of other self respecting women out there who are snatching them up by the dozens – usually women who’ve had very strong and positive father figures in their lives. That’s the reason why you and so many other women with poor choice skills complain that all the good guys are taken.

4. Don’t use a good guy as a girlfriend

When your bad boy relationship fizzes, the really good men out there who’ve been watching from the sidelines, hoping for their chance won’t want you anymore. Most of them have enough self respect to not engage in another man’s leftovers, especially after being used as your emotional punching bag when your bad boy lover starts to give you crap in your “relationship”.

5. Do try to value quality over impact

Women with a poor reference point have a way of needing to be “impressed” with a man before being interested. Good guys are not usually very smooth when it comes to women. That’s nothing more than a function of their personality. However, what they lack in verbal finesse, they more make up for in the quality of their personality and the viability of their friendship to you.

By contrast, men who try to be really impressive on the first meeting are using a “shock and awe” approach to score as much kitty points as possible. Men tend to use a forceful impact as a replacement for quality. Therefore don’t be surprised if the smooth talker you met then turns out to be a jerk now.

In Conclusion

Good girls are loved by the bad boys whom they seek in as much as a moth is embraced by the flame to which it flies. Therefore, changing the way you think about men will ultimately change the way they think about approaching you.

If you have (or had) daddy issues, all is not lost. Try to open your mind to other types of men out there. With the right kind of thinking, you put value on the things that last, as opposed to the things that glitter. Then, bad boys will begin to ignore you because they need women like addicts need crack; while good guys will embrace you as they need wives – not a flavour of the week.

  1. June 5, 2014 at 10:34 am

    Hey there! I’m at work surfing around your blog from
    my new iphone! Just wanted to say I love reading your blog and look forward to all your posts!
    Carry on the superb work!

Comment pages
  1. July 4, 2009 at 6:00 pm

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