Men for Dummies

“Men and women can only be friends once there is absolutely no sexual attraction between them.” 

– Xenocrates 

Why is it that when it comes to friendships with men, that women can’t understand that there is and always will be sexual intent in a man’s relations with her? It’s not even something that we premeditatively desire. It’s just there – like a prick in the back of our minds, slowly driving us mad. Even if the relationship is purely professional and they never see each other again until the next seminar or meeting, EVERY man thinks about every woman he sees that is not directly related to him as a sexual object before he sees her as anything else – even if that woman is his boss. Men are hardwired to sexually objectify women. We do it every single time we see an even moderately attractive woman. The process is so automatic and happens so fast, that most men aren’t even consciously aware of it when it happens. If you’re a man reading this, think of every woman in your office that is even remotely attractive. I’m sure there’s at least one. Now imagine if you weren’t married or otherwise engaged. Do you realise where you thoughts went just for a second there? Yeah. You know what I’m talking about.

Women out there probably won’t be able to relate to this, since women can become such good friends with a man that the thought of sex never enters her mind – ever. Women can be sexual duds like that. That’s the most fascinating thing about them for me; women have to be “switched” on sexually. It either happens if you bring enough chemistry to the table when you first meet one or you meet her physical requirements the first time she sees you. Men however, are just on 24-7, whether or not we want to think about it. Now that’s one of the crucial things that most women fail to understand when they decide to have guy friends. They don’t realise that men were simply not designed to be friends with women unless the level of attraction is positively zero. In fact, whenever a man sees a woman for the first time, several things automatically happen in his head at the speed of thought:

1. He checks her shape – He does a quick symmetrical analysis of her body’s curvature. Calculations of gradients under each curve happen at lightning’s pace.
2. Inventory – He does a quick check of key vitals: Face, (eyes, nose, lips), breasts, tummy, hips, ass, legs. His brain quickly records all this information for future reference. Yes – there’s always a future reference.
3. Comparison Chart – After enumerating her inventory, the man’s brain automatically compares his numbers against his shopping list. This is a list of key items in the perfect woman in his mind. If he is already involved, he compares her with that girl.
4. Decision – If her statistics match or exceed his perfect woman chart stats, his brain starts to produce a neurotransmitter called Serotonin, that incites his brain’s pleasure centre. If not, she is instantly discarded as a potential. Even when he is already engaged with another woman, women who fit his comparison chart are relegated to a waiting list. Since men are hunter/gatherers by nature, we make a plan B even when we don’t realise it. It’s a survival technique we were hardwired with from creation.

These four steps happen within a ¼ of a second. Even if a man has no intention of engaging the woman sexually, his brain does this processing anyway. Every man does this to virtually every sexually eligible woman he meets – even women that are just friends. And that is where the trouble is…

Men are Pack Hunters

Can men and women be friends? Sure – just like lions and gazelles. If a lion isn’t hungry, the gazelle is safe – just like in that Disney animated movie where predator and prey sing and dance together like duplicitous morons high on crack. So long as there is absolutely no sexual attraction between them, men and women can be ‘just friends’ for as long as they feel like fooling themselves. However, men were not designed to ‘befriend’ women. Men were designed to copiate women – hunt them even – all eligible women – like a pack of wolves after prey. So long as it has two breasts and a vagina and other variables are moderately suitable, friendship is not a top priority for any two legged mammal with a penis. Two men can be the best of friends. However, when it’s a man and a woman, the relationship becomes one of pursuit a la subterfuge.

In fact, just like in the animal kingdom, men can make deeper bonds with other men than women, because they can share that same powerful hunter instinct with their kinsmen. You don’t see lions and deer sharing a joke over coffee, or an eagle and a mouse trading cooking secrets. It’s one of those unspoken rules that every man knows about. In fact, we men have even developed terms that describe our relationships:

• Trophy – A particularly difficult or stunningly attractive kill that would require unusual marksmanship or hunting skill. Scoring enough trophies or a particularly infamous trophy makes a particular hunter an “Alpha Male” – even in marriage. Men wear their trophy wives like a badge of honour. He takes her to church, to parties and other social events, because he wants his other pack hunters to be reminded of his hunting skill. At those times, she becomes little more than a glorified baby popping hood ornament. He (and every other pack hunter) knows this, but telling her that would be stupid.
• Alpha Male – A highly revered hunter that is head honcho of a pack. He usually commands the respect of his fellow hunters and has the ability to lure his kill without hunting at all. Alpha Males are highly territorial and may even train other pack hunters to succeed them. An alpha male is usually defined by the quantity or quality of his kill. As a rule of thumb, a single quality kill usually trumps 50 other mediocre ones – especially if the hunter marries his kill. So quality always succeeds quantity.
• Cattle – A herd of potential kill. These can be found in bars, at churches and other such social public events. These are usually kill searching for hunters, even though they don’t realise it yet. They herd together in packs to support each other. This is not particularly useful, since a single alpha male can pick them off one at a time until he turns them against each other. Cattle are only loyal to themselves and their hunter. That’s one of the core secrets every hunter knows – especially an alpha male. But the cattle doesn’t need to know that.
• Cockblocker – A hunter that either tries to prevent a successful kill or cheats another fellow hunter out of his kill. Cock blockers are usually excommunicated from the pack, unless they subvert the other hunters and accedes to Alpha Male status.
• Consortium – A congregation of hunters. This is where they share predatory secrets and kill statistics. I’ve seen these even at church. I kid you not. Consortiums are exclusive to hunters and are usually useful for aiding other hunters in capitalising on already targeted kill or for sharing anecdotal hunting tips and tricks and for building camaraderie and male bonding. Consortiums are the single most valuable reason why men hunt in packs.
• Bro’s Before Ho’s – The official mantra of all pack hunters. It means that even where a hunter is perpetually linked with his kill, the synergy with the brotherhood still exceeds that shared with any kill.
• Lollipop/Fruityloop – A hunter who confuses his fellow pack hunters with his kill. In some jurisdictions, confused hunters are summarily destroyed because of friendly fire. As such, these types are not so much hunters, as they are kill dessed as hunters. We are however, unsure of what kind of hunter would want such kill. Gross…
• Whipped – A hunter that has lost his nerve and has switched roles with his concubine. Such hunters are usually stripped of their respect and honour – usually through jest and rough play.
• Wingman – One of the hunters in a pack whose designation is not so much to gain kill for himself as much as it is to aid his fellow hunter in acquiring a kill. Wingmen are usually already skilled hunters, and may even be an Alpha Male.

So given the level of camaraderie that is shared between pack hunters, it is unthinkable that a pack hunter would want to surpercede that with one shared with his kill. We are all nothing more than sophisticated animals. Unfortunately, women don’t see it that way. If men are closer to their animal instincts than women, then why do so many men and women break these fundamental laws of nature? It’s quite simple actually: The law of the hunt still goes on, but lives in a different form:

‘Nice’ Guys  

Women believe that they can make friends with any man – even when they know those men are attracted to them. This is a logical fallacy, because for most men, being ‘just friends‘ is like having a sexual desire without a sexual organ. That is nothing short of sheer torture for any mammal with a penis.

So why would a mammal with a penis continue to torture themselves this way? Well, only nice guys fall for this psychological delusion. You can spot nice guys by the high number of female friends they have. These are men who readily befriend women in the hopes that one day, they will get lucky. Many of them do (sometimes even on the first hunt), and it’s a useful tactic if their hunting skills suck. They theorize that the more female friends they have, the higher the likelihood of a single conversion. However, they are effectively playing a numbers game, while their women folk think they have a nice, innocent, completely platonic relationship with them. They would even swear by it. Silly, naive women.

What these women don’t know, is that their guy friends are still hunting – or more specifically, waylaying their kill. The only problem with this technique is that it’s very time consuming and very, VERY frustrating. Hunters that choose this technique are too careful, too cautious and too cowardly to chase after their prey. So they prefer to use subterfuge in the hopes that they don’t scare off their kill. The sad thing is that most nice guys aren’t aware of the fact that women prefer men who will boldly chase after them instead of pretending to. It’ll take them some time to realise this, at least until an alpha male comes by and (unknowingly?) captures their prey.

Women need to understand that whether he’s a nice guy or an alpha male, no single man in his right mind wants to be “just friends”. Not a single one of them. I don’t care what he’s told you, everyone of us wants to score and for all the right reasons (marriage, kids, and all that jazz). Part of this has to do with the cave man instinct we have hard coded into our biological imperative. Never heard of the Cave Man instinct? Allow me to elaborate:

The Cave Man Instinct

The Cave Man instinct is what kept the human race alive. If men didn’t want to stick their penis into every vagina within a visible 100 yard radius, the human race would’ve been wiped out millenia ago by a series of natural upheavals. Back in those days, people weren’t evenly spread across the globe. We were still concentrated in tiny communities in close proximity of each other. When there was a huge natural disaster, entire villages were wiped out. If men’s sexual desires were equivalent to that of women, then the frequency of the upheavals would have eventually wiped us out – because we weren’t reproducing frequently enough.

Millennia later, the world has become so populated that we no longer need this cave man instinct – BUT it is still there, deep in our subconscious id, propelling us to sexually desire every even mildly attractive pair of legs wrapped in a skirt. That’s why even to this day, we still want more vagina – even when we’re happily married with children. It’s pretty annoying really. Many of us men wish we could just turn it off – but that’s not possible. In fact, I will boldly assert that because of this hard coded biological imperative, it’s highly unnatural for any one man to desire only one woman. That’s a mental state that only came with the pussification of society so as to sustain life on this tiny planet with limited resources.

Men are naturally polygamous. The cave man instinct is what makes us that way. Monogamy is a skill we taught ourselves such that we can maintain sustainable reproductive development in modern societies. That’s why we invented all that religious mumbo jumbo to control our urges before we were smart enough to invent condoms. But that was such a long time ago, that nobody even remembers where it came from. So even today when we’ve invented condoms and other types of contraceptives, people are still practicing the obsolete tenet of waiting until marriage to have intercourse and they don’t even know why.

Fascinating…

The “Just Friends” Fallacy

Ladies, now that you know what’s on our minds (as if you didn’t already know), then think carefully the next time you tell a guy that you just want to be friends. It’s probably not worth it. In fact, if you respect your male friend, just turn him down firmly but gently. It’ll make a man out of him yet. I know a lot of you women treat this information with broken hearts. Some of you become perplexed as to why a man would walk away from a perfectly decent friendship – it’s simple: There are other women out there that would be more than willing to give him what he’s looking for. Why waste his energy on the one woman who won’t? That’s crazy. If that sounds too harsh, then that’s because it’s true.

“What about the men that stick around?“, you ask. They’re cowards. They’re too afraid to boldly ask for what they want. They know why they befriended you in the first place (and don’t fool yourself – the instant you offer, they will accept!). They just don’t want you to think they’re horn dogs. They’re the men that have become enslaved to the woman’s guile indefinitely, without any hope for reward. They’re her slaves because they hide around hoping to get SOME attention from the object of their desire. There we go again – Men objectifying women.

Men and women can be friends only under the following circumstances:

1. If the woman outrightly fails the man’s instant four stage objectification analysis. In other words, she is sexually unattractive.
2. If the man has identified another woman that far exceeds the scoring of the prospective female friend.
3. If the woman is married or otherwise engaged to a male friend – or at the very least, a male who he respects.
4. If the woman has children and he doesn’t want kids, yet.
5. She is a lesbian

Conclusion 

As you can see, the possibilities are grim. Ladies, the next time you want to make a male friend, ensure that he willfully checks his penis at the door. If he hasn’t, then he doesn’t want to be ‘just friends’ with you – even if he says so. Men are afraid of loosing the bounty if he makes his true intentions available to the woman he’s “befriending”.

Men were designed to copiate women, not befriend them. That’s why the men of old had so many wives. This kind of friendship is only possible today because of a fundamental changes in cultures of modern civilization. This is the same reason why when sex becomes introduced to an otherwise platonic friendship, the whole dynamic changes. Now the two parties are left with option of either sticking together, or never becoming friends ever again.

…or at least, until the man finds a lover that exceeds the woman in the previous encounter.

That’s how it works ladies. So stop whining about us and our complaints about being “just friends”. So long as a sexual possibility exists, we don’t want to be just friends. If that’s what it comes down to, most of us with any balls are going to move right along. We want exclusive, high quality, grade AA class love-boxing and we’ll layer as much subterfuge as is necessary to get it.