The greatest weapon women wield is not in their guile. Rather it is in the perception that they are weak.
She walks through the twin glass doors, sharply clad in a business skirt suit that succinctly clings to her magnificent form. She saunters past the security checkpoint, merely blowing the male guard a kiss as validation that she doesn’t need to be patted down. Her skirt barely exposes her knees, but races further up her thighs when she sits down. However, it is not just her firm thighs that get my attention. It is the fact that her male escorts are still being processed at the checkpoint. Who is she? She is every woman you have met recently and she eats men like you for breakfast. She is Woman 2.0 – armed, legged, breasted and dangerous.
Who is Woman 2.0?
I’m going to answer this question towards the end of this post. First you need some context. She doesn’t command a salary as high as her male CEO, even though she does the same work. But it doesn’t matter. All she has to do is accuse him of sexual harassment just once. She doesn’t need to prove it. The accusation is enough to damage the board’s confidence in him to have him replaced by his next nearest competent understudy. Who? Nobody but Her.
I’m not describing a particular woman here. I’m talking about a new breed of female that has evolved out of our innocuous attempt at creating equal opportunity for all. She’s a sociological mutation that was always as smart as a man, but never had the opportunity do what she has always wanted to do until now. The following is a list of her top ten most prominent qualities:
1. She is Independent
She’s the one that uses every feature of PowerPoint during the simplest of presentations and spends the least amount of time on the phone with the guys from IT on that rare occasion that she gets stuck. The only time she will summon the assistance of a male, is if she doesn’t have access to a ladder or a biomechanical suit that multiplies her muscle capacity by 10,000.
Note: the latter doesn’t exist — yet. Tony Stark is working on it.
Who is a damsel in distress? Not her — at least not around her female colleagues. She will summon one of her favourite male friends over for biscuits and ginger ale (with a side dish of a peck on the cheek) so long as he uses his larger muscles to setup her HD Tv, change her tyres or fix her computer hard drive. She will pull her hands out of his ass once he is finished.
The big dumb oaf will likely capitulate to her demands on only the false promise of a flirtatious smile. He will leave her house with a hardened, unsatiated wanker. Woman 2.0 knows how to get exactly what she wants from a man without actually needing a man around. Technically, while lesbians are the only truly independent women, Woman 2.0 is perfectly equal to the task. After all, she will never need to argue with anyone about putting the toilet seat down.
She doesn’t really need a niche male role in her life to act as a provider because she provides for herself. She’s doing so well in fact, that if she were to get married, she’d be the chief bread winner. She would quickly realize however that being chief bread winner puts her at odds with her less successful spouse’s ego. She’ll quickly decide she doesn’t need the drama.
2. She is pushing 30 and single
Woman 2.0 is not the marrying type. However, whereas almost every woman lives for the wedding day, Woman 2.0 doesn’t particularly need the marriage that follows. It is merely a notch in her belt on a list of goals to attain self actualization. It’s more of a rite of passage or a way to gain a sperm donor for the few who can’t resist their hormonal compulsion for kids.
Those who venture down the marriage lane typically don’t know what they’re doing or are just following the cookie-cutter path their parents have set out for them. Little do either of them know that they’ve raised themselves a diva – something even she won’t come to terms with until she finally realizes that her husband amounts to little more than an over sized dildo.
Others have already set their sights on divorce after tying the knot. There’s no way she will stay married to that old coot, that balding fat jerk or that ugly duckling that grew into an even uglier buzzard. She’s in this to get hers. In fact, if you look closely, you will notice that she’s come to her wedding with a shovel neatly stashed beneath her dress. Let the digging begin.
3. She’s an over achiever
Woman 2.0 is usually exceptionally bright. You will typically find her working her way upward through a company as a young woman, often hitting senior management long before she hits forty. In fact, some of them are in directorial positions before they are 30 years old. She’s got a really high IQ, presents herself remarkably well, and has the enunciation skill of a queen.
You will usually see her as the lone woman on the IT team, the lone scientist among a group of theoretical physicists or the only female marine biologist who is just as excited about the eccentric evolutionary development of the Macropinna Microstoma (Barrel-eye fish) as her male colleagues. She’s the Peggy the copywriter who defies society’s expectations of women.
When she becomes successful at a youthful age, other older more experienced women in the organization all presume that she’s using her hot legs to get ahead. Nine out of ten times they’ll be wrong and they will give her a hard time about it. She will use her legs eventually – but only after climbing to the top of the food chain of the once exclusive corporate boys’ club.
4. She’s a bitch.
Woman 2.0 is not worried that her high heeled boots have a smaller footprint than her male colleagues. That won’t stop her from kicking ass in a much louder tone of voice with her deep cleavage exposed. Whereas her male counterparts are preoccupied with kicking a certain quantity of ass, she’s considerably more preoccupied with the essential quality of the kick.
Her smaller foot has a better chance of fitting snugly into the innards of the standard human buttocks than a size 12 which will only leave a large red shoe print. No, sir. When she kicks ass, they have to get a surgical extraction team to remove her foot. She might even break off her heels in there for good measure. She does not go making friends where enemies suffice.
5. She doesn’t keep many female friends
Woman 2.0 is an über-femme. She is so secure about herself that she doesn’t need to rely on a herd of female friends for emotional support. For that she turns to either her gay male friends or her ex boyfriend who she still takes advantage of when she is feeling a little lonely and needs a quick dopamine fix. Why would she need female friends who cannot satisfy her?
She is too hard core for the girly girls who come to work every day parading around in their mini skirts to see who has the hottest legs. She already knows her legs trump them all, simply because her men told her so. Whereas these silly girls (who are also her secretaries at work) need to rely on the ultimately flawed advice of their female friends, she gets it from her men.
She’s not a queen bee, because she doesn’t trust those cackling, conniving, two timing, back stabbing dirty double crossing bitches giggling over the water cooler over the latest episode of office gossip. Her favourite TV shows include Fringe and Top Gear. She loves hot cars and can beat you at Halo — and she doesn’t even have to sacrifice her femininity in order to do it.
The friends of Woman 2.0 are largely men. She’s still very much a woman, and that serves her evolutionary advantage very well among them. It’s just that she still considers herself one of the guys, even while she’s rocking that hot mini skirt to the board meeting. She’s not a tom boy (even if those instincts come out every once in a while) but she is no damsel in distress.
6. She’s a slut — and proud of it
Men can’t have a Woman 2.0. She has them. She’s the one riding on top, slapping him around like a rag doll, demanding that he scream her name. She has a crotch that can milk a man’s penis like a vacuum tube on a cow’s teats. She gets multiple orgasms and still doesn’t get sore. When she’s done, she will leave you with taxi fare so that you can escort yourself home.
Men typically go fox hunting in wolf packs. Women typically serve themselves up on a platter as a herd for these wolf packs to consume. Woman 2.0 forsakes this evolutionary paradigm. She believes that men and women are equal to a fault. Therefore she doesn’t really need an entourage. She’s the one picking men out of the wolf pack and serving them with sweet pie.
Because she’s a senior director, she can spread her legs for any of the board members she desires, or provision another in the elevator with an indecent proposal and never get brought up on a sexual harassment charge by Human Resources. Why? Because she’s already slept with the HR director as well. Because the company is male dominated, it is her playground.
7. She shuns evolutionarily stable female roles
Woman 2.0 may never develop the hormonal urge to have children. At best, her motherly instinct may manifest itself as an inclination for a small animal (birds, cats, puppies, take your pick). She looks in the mirror at her remarkable figure and thinks to herself that the rest of the world is already doing such a swell job at producing kids, that she doesn’t need to contribute.
Woman 2.0 is firmly pro-choice. She sees women as Human 2.0 and men as a rather pleasant distraction. She would not be averse to a world where women ruled and men considered the fairer sex. In fact, she finds that term deeply offensive. She is not only an equal opportunity achiever — she is an equal opportunity offender making up for millennia of female inequality.
8. She is Detail Oriented
Woman 2.0 has a near obsessive compulsive fetish for attention to detail. You can tell by the neat pyramids of colour co-ordinated paper clips and post it notes on her desk, sitting in their own little country to the left, while all writing instruments such as pens, pencils, highlighters, markers, and sometimes crayons, are stacked in their own diplomatic assylum on the right.
She’s out window shopping for a new pair of shoes that she will actually wear. She doesn’t go out and randomly collect clothes like a typical girly girl. She knows exactly what she’s looking for because she has already constructed at the back of her mind a precise image of herself that she wants to present at work on Monday morning to more jaw dropping masculine awe.
The precision of the colour co-ordination of her clothes is at the level of a science. Her hair changes form in preset cycles throughout the year like the moon changes phases throughout the month. Her project templates are crawling with inline comments and she can provide you with an estimate rounded off to the nearest cent. That’s exactly why she’s so good at her job.
9. She Thinks like a Man
She is neither a pessimist nor an optimist. She can tell you what your options are and give you a full outline on each without batting an eye. She doesn’t see fortune or misfortune. She only sees varying degrees of opportunity to be exploited, wantonly and indiscriminately. She is effectively Ghenghis Khan in a mini skirt, drawing up corporate battle plans on a flip chart.
Everywhere she goes, men subconsciously induct her into the boys’ club after having just one conversation. They’ll quickly realize that as much fun as it would be to skewer her with their cocks, she could skewer them back with her sharp tongue — a talent that she has now grown quite exceedingly efficient at, having honed it on preschool battlefields with obnoxious bullies.
As much fun as the sex would be, they know that if one day she disagreed with them, she could cut them to shreds in a heartbeat. She is a bitch, after all. They quickly surmise that it is not worth having their ego bruised by the girl who was just under them the night before. They want to think of her as being the inferior, fairer sex in that skirt. But she doesn’t act it.
As such, she gets to pick the man who gets to sleep with her from her wolf pack. They gladly (but subconsciously) relinquish this position because if she skewers him in a meeting on the following morning, the bruise to his ego will not be as bad as if he had initiated the sexual encounter. He would look like a pussy and his male colleagues will never let him live it down.
As such, she becomes an honorary alpha male because her vagina gives her preferences no penis can. The ego rush is powerful and intoxicating. She doesn’t earn the same kind of salary that her male colleagues do for the same work, but she knows that by playing her cards right, so long as the people at the top are heterosexual males, the conglomerate is her footstool.
10. She’s still a Woman
Woman 2.0 may not behave like a traditional female, but she’s usually a stunning sight to behold for her male contemporaries. Watching her walk by is a lot like witnessing a number of fetishes rolled up into one. She knows how to rock a business suit, that exposes just enough cleavage, and when to remove her rimless glasses and flash her hair to make a salient point.
She knows how to cross her legs to expose just enough thigh while sitting across from you so that you can subconsciously agree with her agenda in a meeting. She knows how to give you the momentary illusion that she would blow you in the bathroom stall, only to have you side with her proposition and leave you there hanging. But her guile is not her deadliest weapon.
No, the deadliest weapon in the arsenal of Woman 2.0 is just the fact that she is a woman. The evolutionary downside to being female is that one is also stuck with a female’s brain. Woman 2.0 also has a female brain, but it is wired up like a man’s in certain strategic areas. Whereas a standard woman would have to intuit the male agenda, Woman 2.0 can exploit it.
How is this possible? Because most men aren’t able to recognize Woman 2.0 from the outset. She looks just like every other woman — that is, until he discovers her job title. She is in the most perfect camouflage waltzing through the mall in her tank top, hair pinned in a pony tail and toting an over sized hand bag with her dark glasses raised like a helmet on her forehead.
What makes her powerful is that she walks among us, completely undetected by the common man, who assumes that because she wears a skirt, she is somehow inferior. If any man have wisdom, then let him take heed of this fact: The greatest weapon that women wield is not in their guile. It is in the perception that they are weak. Humanity instinctively favors the weak.
It is because of the pervasive nature of this perception why Woman 2.0 can get away with almost anything she sets her mind to. In fact, if you think very carefully, you will recall that:
- No woman has ever waged a war over a man, largely because they have never had to.
- Even if a woman fell out of means, she is biologically equipped to never beg for bread.
- Women can cue an emotion spontaneously. Men cannot (well, except John Boehner).
- It is expected that men continue the course of chivalry, despite feminine equality.
- Alimony was previously (and is still largely) gender biased against men.
- A woman can accuse you of rape and have you detained without proof.
- Women have a statistically better chance of escaping a traffic ticket.
- In many countries, the court defaults to the woman in distress.
- It is far more convincing for a woman to play the victim.
- Women consistently outperform men academically.
- Juries instinctively side with a crying woman.
Now imagine all that power at the hands of Woman 2.0 — a man’s mind formed in the body of a woman. I wrote some time ago that girl power is a myth. Conceptually, I could be wrong. It’s not that the physical power of a woman is substantially less than that of a man, but rather that the effective power of a woman is embodied in the consummate power of all men.
Woman 2.0 (noun) – a highly evolved x chromosome mutation who has discovered how to exploit a key loophole in the concept of gender equality for her own evolutionary advantage.
When Woman 2.0 reads this blog post, she will sit quietly in her loft, having realized that the insipid male folk have finally identified her species, while her emotionally inferior kinswomen flame this space with heated comments filled with misplaced ire and/or appreciation. She will wonder if I’m that guy who turned down her offer for sex that one time when she needed a new pawn for her corporate war games, only to be frustrated by the bitter taste of failure. She is probably plotting right this moment to have me inconspicuously executed by my maid.
With that said, Woman 2.0 is still only a subset of the entire female population.
The point of this post was not to highlight ten key characteristics of Woman 2.0 so that they can be readily identified. You already knew who these women are. I’m just calling them out. It is not to empower women who feel disenfranchised by men. They are already empowered. They just don’t know it yet. In fact, there is now a growing number of men on the other side.
Rather, the point of this post was to give men with a misplaced sense of security in their world ten very good reasons why they should never get married without a prenuptial agreement. You will never know which version of woman you’re marrying until after the vows have been exchanged because Woman 2.0 is perfectly disguised as every man’s kryptonite.
Chivalry is dead and Marriage is dying. Woman 2.0 has killed them both.
■ E-mail: accordingtoxen[at]gmail[dot]com