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What Men Really Want

Men always had what they really wanted. Thus the question is intrinsically irrelevant.


Every time I hear a woman exclaim that she can’t figure out men, I laugh really hard. Why? Because there’s positively nothing to figure out about men. Men are rarely sophisticated animals – even the ones with a genius level IQ. Men are more animal than even we are willing to admit. That’s why I had not spent any time writing a post entitled “What Men Really Want” – well, not until now.

Please be advised; this will be very short.

Men enjoy three things:

  1. Food
  2. Sex
  3. Conquest

Everything men could ever want is more or less split into these three very broad categories. The first two desires are ID based. Conquest is all ego. Women only think men are hard to figure out because they are trying to use their sophisticated female brain to make sense of an unsophisticated male.

When it comes to conquest, that’s what truly defines what men want: More. It doesn’t matter if it means more money, more power, more women – men just want more. We are designed to be unsatisfied. That’s the key reason why we rule the world, and why so many ladies feel like they just happen to live in it.

As conquest is the single most powerful driver of male ego, we don’t expect you to understand why the game is so important, why it is possible for us to get over a break up so easily, why we crave toys, tools, gadgets, impossible projects and tech, why we have mid-life crises and why we can “fall in love” with two women simultaneously and not feel remotely remorseful about it.

Just as how dogs will chase after cars they can’t possibly ever learn how to drive, men collect women’s phone numbers they have no intention of calling. It’s the same reason why even though we know what’s between your legs, we still want to look under there anyway. It’s all about the thrill of conquest.

That’s why we explore dangerous territories, build empires, create puppet governments, go off to war with other men competing for exactly the same thing and why we say things to women we can’t possibly mean. Men were designed by nature to be conquerors and the world universe is our footstool.

Even in this modern age where much of the male instinct has been significantly tempered down by an increasingly feminized society, men still retain that dog heart instinct somewhere deep inside. But instead of acting out those roles in real life where they would be met with fierce retribution from other real life warriors (i.e. the cops) men now exercise them in virtual blood contests online.

Now you understand why grown men still play video games:

It’s all an outlet for our urge for conquest that has been stifled by an ultra-feminine, ultra-pacifist society. Not all men are in touch with this instinct and if they are reading this, are probably shaking their heads in disgust. That is because they’ve probably got an extra X chromosome they aren’t aware of.

…you pussy.

For every man, happiness is 80% conquest and 20% satisfaction. For women, it’s the other way around. With that in mind, it’s easy to see why women think men are complicated. But I assure you, we’re anything but. What baffles me, ladies, is the fact that even though you see these things everyday, you still persist in asking these questions anyway. Is it really that hard to get?

Even so, all men have a feminine side into which women are able to plug in. The common mistake women make is to use that feminine side in an attempt to try and understand male behavior. That capacity only exists to provide some “backwards” compatibility for feminine interaction. It is a function separate and apart from the drivers of male ego. The two functions are mutually exclusive.

So you see? men are not complicated at all. That’s why most of us spare you by having a much shorter shelf life, thus allowing you and your 80 year old girlfriends to play BINGO at the local church, without one of us hanging around to complain about your breasts, now sagging all the way down to your knees.

Nature is merciful, isn’t it? Rejoice then, fair maiden! For the son of your loins will only live long enough to change your tyres, give you their seat on the bus, do the heavy lifting and play Mr. Fix It around the house just long enough to make you miserable about us leaving the toilet seat up – and then we die.

Concordantly, men only want 3 things from women:

  1. Feed us
  2. Love us
  3. Be quiet

If you’re not doing one of these three things, (unless we explicitly ask you to do otherwise) then chances are you are doing nothing more than contributing to your own confusion about us. We understand that women have a need to be complicated. That’s why men neither give birth nor write women’s magazines.

Either way, know this:

Men always had what they really wanted. Thus the question is intrinsically irrelevant. It presumes that we aren’t already having and eating our cake (and yours too by the way). That’s why we have such a massive clitoris that hangs between our legs, and why our ovaries hang conspicuously outside our bodies. Talk about living dangerously. Yeah. We are unmistakably badass like that.

Concordantly, that’s why feminists exist, why Hillary Clinton couldn’t possibly win, why we pay more attention to Sarah Palin’s lips than what’s actually coming out of her mouth, why we tell you that you’re not fat, and why we pretend that 18 million cracks in the glass ceiling actually means anything.

Men are arrogant pricks that only care about conquest. Even when we appear to recognize equality for the fairer sex, it’s all a part of the same plan. It’s not very different from putting a hamster in a cage with a heated pool and a food dispenser. It’s just a far better prison designed for our sordid entertainment.

When I think about the fictitious character of “God” and how he “loves” us and supposedly “made man in his own image”, I can’t help but feel there are some incredible parallels between how he treats us and how men treat women. I guess there’s truth to the adage, that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Either that, or it was men who wrote the Bible. Oh wait…

E-mail: accordingtoxen[at]gmail[dot]com

  1. axel ari
    November 25, 2011 at 7:49 am

    @ Tarie “drop him fast “

  2. gahdayum
    September 25, 2010 at 9:37 pm

    Women love food, sex and conquest too.

    • September 26, 2010 at 7:58 pm

      Irrelevant. The point is that these are generally not things high on their list of priorities. Everybody loves food and sex. For men however, these two are a much bigger deal. It is only the rare woman that seeks conquest – but certainly not a woman most men desire.

  3. LoStranger
    August 13, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    all i want is food couldn’t care less about sex or conquest

  4. BlackCowboyBrett1953
    July 30, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    ALL I want are buxom blondes and Latinas!!!(Okay,also some big hair,big boobs,leggy
    black cowgirls,rocker chicks,biker babes,Caribbean “birdies” and luscious black
    U.K. lasses!!!There’s VERY LITTLE complicated about us lads;we basically desire sex,
    grub,adult beverages and sports,pretty much in that order!!!

  5. Tarie
    July 30, 2010 at 5:29 am

    You are right in so many ways. I spend a large amount of time the past year trying to figure out an arrogant cocky prick of a guy I am attracted to because what he presented to me daily was so much at face value and so little that my mind would not comprehend that this was all their was to this guy.
    One year later and the guy hasn’t grown any deeper, our conversations are still the same, his behavior is still the same. And I have come to realize that this is all their is, there is nothing complex about this guy. What I see is and what I’m getting is all there is…..I feel sad,LOL.

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