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What Women Really Want


“What a woman really wants is rarely congruous with what she really needs.”

Xenocrates

I have heard many conversations between men and women debating what women really want. I’ve often found such conversations to be just as entertaining as they were meaningless, largely because women rarely know themselves well enough to know what they want, let alone what they need.

However, I believe that I have inadvertently discovered what women really want. If you’re a man, you may find this interesting. If you’re a woman, I can tell you right now that your sense of denial will probably kick in before you get to the end of this post (if it hasn’t already). I’m prepared for you. So let’s talk…

Rules of Engagement

To the average man, women seem like unnecessarily complicated animals. But some close observation will reveal that there is in fact a pattern to their madness. Patterns, as any cryptologist will tell you, are the key to deciphering language. So when a woman says she wants, there are two rules to observe:

Rule #1: What she wants is not what she needs

The first thing you need to understand about women (and I’m speaking to you even if you are a woman) is that what a woman really wants is rarely congruous with what she really needs. Women have a talent for saying one thing and meaning something else entirely. It is most incredibly frustrating.

Why this disparity exists between what a woman says and does is because (as I’ve elaborated to death on this blog) women prefer to use their right brain. This is the part that is responsible for creativity and emotional “fuzzy” logic; hence why we men often claim that we can neither live with nor without them.

With that said, the obvious qualifier of this declaration is that its applicability is directly proportional to the significance of her immediate concerns. In other words, whether she’s trying to decide between four ice cream flavours or two guys, the principle maintains a corresponding level of relevance in each case.

Rule #2: When expressing desires, women often speak in code

Women don’t like being explicit. They prefer when a man can “infer” what she means. That’s what they call ‘sensitivity’, and it’s a highly desired trait in men. Scientists call this type of precognition “emotional intelligence”, i.e. the ability to manage one’s current state of mind during an emotional response.

Women don’t have this feature built in by default. It is thus up to the appropriate male to tune in to his feminine side and decode appropriately. As such, there are a few factors that may influence the relevance of what a woman wants. These factors are critical in deciphering feminine cryptology.

Using these simple principles, we can establish a framework that will act as something of a Rosetta Stone for further determining wants vs. actual needs. Apropos, this post is not quite so much about what a woman wants (since this is irrelevant) as much as it attempts to discern what she actually needs.

Corollary:

While one could argue that needs and wants are mutually exclusive, for the sake of this discussion, we will treat needs as being automatically superior to wants, thus making the latter redundant. Ergo, technically, what a woman really wants is really her needs. She just doesn’t know it yet in most cases.

The Tragedy of Satisfying a woman’s wants

Since most women are not left brain reliant (even though they use it extensively), they are not likely to have taken the time to differentiate between their wants and needs. That creates a whole different kind of problem that has a most disturbing effect on many of their frustrated men:

The Satisfaction Frustration Paradox

Any woman who always gets what she wants from a man, becomes bored with him very quickly. Either way, giving a woman exactly what she says she wants is synonymous with relationship suicide. This seems to be relatively consistent right across cultures, except those that are largely patriarchal.

Seems perfectly illogical, right? Well the problem is that women are not logical animals like men are and as such we should not have such an expectation in the first place. When a woman expresses a want, I am now pretty certain that even they don’t realise that they are actually subconsciously encoding a need.

This is why when men reward them with exactly what they say they want, they remain unsatisfied, or why when they give us the silent treatment, we are expected to magically know what’s wrong. All of these (and similar) circumstances are usually a direct result of men interpreting women literally.

There’s a very simple solution to this problem:

The Inverse Satisfaction Theorem

As a matter of principle, it is better for a man to give a woman what she needs as opposed to what she wants. When a woman expresses a want and gets her need instead, she is more likely to feel satisfied, even when she complains. The reason why she complains is because she really can’t tell the difference.

Sounds bizarre? I know, right? But I have proven this to be true in the large majority of cases. I just don’t tell the woman what I’m doing and it seems to work with a great degree of consistency. In my experience, women learn to realize that they have only been pacified enough to be left wanting more.

Rule #3: Never consistently satisfy a woman. Ever.

When a woman always gets exactly what she wants, she knows that you’re her own flesh and blood Squeeze me Elmo, that she can juice whenever she feels like it. She’ll also never respect you. However, If you only give her what she needs, she’ll still be satisfied, but will never get bored or loose interest.

It almost never fails.

Now, I know that there are some men out there who have been so whipped by western social constructs that you’re thinking that I’m being chauvinist. So if it sounds like I’m making condescending recommendations on how to manage the manager of your home, then I invite you blokes to consider the following:

  • Women always know when they’re being irrational, illogical or otherwise deliberately throwing you a curve ball.
  • Women like cattling among themselves about how dumb men are and how they’re the more sophisticated human.
  • Women do these things all the time because they know we men will always let them get away with it.

So you the patriarchal male are really the bitch in the relationship of this westernized matriarchal society. Yes, you read correctly. You’re her bitch. At least this way you can reclaim your sanity without sacrificing your relationship in the process. Besides, you value her enough to keep her happy, right? 😉

Men with boundaries tend to be more respected by women. That’s why they pelt you with their ludicrous wants from time to time. They’re like hackers feeling for a weakness in your perimeter, seeking to determine what they can and cannot get away with. If this sounds familiar, then do read on my friend.

What Women Want by Age

With women, the disparity between want and need is inversely proportional to age. In other words, the older a woman gets, the less disparity exists between want and need. This is why you will often find many younger men who secretly desire slightly older women – especially those salacious cougars.

Being more mature, older women tend to be less giddy, loquacious and fickle. Although, technically that’s because they’ve been around and sampled much of the food from the buffet. As such, they’ve developed a taste over a period of time for a particular selection of qualities that they won’t deviate from.

The only trouble is that generally speaking, older women never really shed some of their insecurities (especially as it pertains to their age) and are not likely to be quite as flexible as their younger kin when it comes to relationships. They tend to want more stability, not a just really a good time.

The following is a break down of some things older women are likely to say. The arrow ( ➡ ) translates their want to what they actually need. Please note that while these general case observations obviously do not apply to every woman, there are enough women out there to adequately validate them:

  • I want marriageI need stabilitymarriage is just the first thing I could think of that would give me that.
  • I want a really nice guyI need a gay friendI just don’t realise it yet.
  • I want a younger manI need to validate my sexual capacity to attract menI’m insecure about my age, and you are my guinea pig.
  • I want a new kitchen/house/renovationI’m bored and I need a distractionI may just need a change of scenery, or just to paint the walls a new colour.
  • I don’t want any casual sexI don’t need another heart breakand I’m taking precautionary measures.
  • I just want to cuddleI need emotional reassurance, but I’m sparing your ego by not flatly telling you ‘no’.
  • I want to loose weightI need you to tell me I’m beautifullie to me if you have to. It shows that you care.
  • I want childrenI need to satiate my maternal instinctand I’m getting old.
  • I don’t want childrenI need to preserve my shapeand I’m getting old.
  • I want you to show that you careI need you to wash the dishes when I cooktell me thanks when I dust and clean, and remind me as often as possible why you love me when I do these little things.

Now if you observe carefully, the actual need is not very far from the want expression used. Women have an uncanny ability to creatively express their desires without being explicit. Compare and contrast then what a young woman is often inclined to say and what she really needs in similar cases:

  • I want marriageI need to feel reassured that you love meI’m not sure if you love me at all.
  • I want a really nice guyI need a hot, swaggering jerk of a jockwhether he actually loves me or not is irrelevant.
  • I want an older manI have a fantasy that I need to fulfill.
  • I don’t want casual sexI need casual sexjust not from you. [OR] I don’t want you to think I’m a whore.
  • I want a puppyI need to satiate my maternal instinct without getting pregnantbecause I’m too old to still be playing with dolls.
  • I just want to cuddleI need a break for my period(or some other biological issue) but I want to be tactful about it.
  • I want to loose weightI need to satisfy my ludicrous self image issuesno matter how much you tell me I am fine.
  • I want you to show that you careI need you to lie to meit’s the thought that counts.
  • I want you to prove that you love meI need to break up with you, and I’m giving you one last chance to change my mind.
  • I want us to see other peopleI need you to move onbecause I’m already seeing other people

Can you see the relationship here? While older women are no less likely to encode their needs, younger women have virtually no correlation between the stated want and the actual need. That’s why they give their fathers early gray hairs and their boyfriends hair ripping moments of inconsolable frustration.

What Women Want in Men

Gentlemen; If you should query any bachelorette about what they want in a guy, you will get a dreamer’s list of qualities that sounds very much like those possessed by her gay friend. This shouldn’t be surprising, since this is why she is still single. At this stage, she still doesn’t know what she wants in a guy.

You will also find women who drift from boyfriend to boyfriend and have tallied up quite a score by the time they hit 30 – sometimes even in the double digits (if you count the one night stands) – again, because she doesn’t know what she wants. These women are still hoping to meet a man who doesn’t exist.

The following is thus a list of five of the top qualities women often say they want in men that they can’t actually handle:

1. An emotionally sensitive man

Really? Guys with above average emotional sensitivity are usually gay. Haven’t you ever wondered why you always complain that all the good men are married or gay? The ones that are married didn’t develop their emotional sensitivity before marriage. Some of them that are married are actually gay.

With that said, which woman in her right mind wants a man who is as emotionally sensitive as she is? Emotional sensitivity is something women possess in spades – and with good reason! What a woman actually needs is someone to balance all that emotional surplus in the relationship, not add to it.

When she’s emotionally distraught, does a woman need a man who will be just as emotionally disheveled, or be her shoulder to cry on? I mean, do you want onions when you’re crying or a rag? Girls, get your priorities straight. Gay men are just looking for silly women like you to hide in the closet with.

2. A really nice, gentle guy

Nice guys are ok – and that’s why you don’t want to sleep with them. They don’t turn you on because they’re dull. That’s why you’ve subconsciously castrated them and turned them into your gal pals with a frustrating hard on. Can you imagine being married for life to someone who is exactly like that?

Ladies, do you really want a spineless dude who always wants what you want, never has an opinion of his own, never stands up for himself and always tells you what you want to hear? If so, you’re a future cheating wife in training. Your marriage will have all the excitement of watching grass grow…

…in the desert.

3. A man who doesn’t lie

Rubbish! Women love it when men lie to them. They just don’t love when the lie is an act of betrayal. Allow me to be clear: Women love it when men lie to them about everything, except when it is to cover up something bad he did, that would affect her negatively. Otherwise, women love a lie with conviction.

I say that without apology, because it is 100% true.

Women love men when they lie about her looks, her cooking skills, her attractiveness, her intelligence, her sense of humor, her ability to make sense during an argument, and anything that would validate her need to have sex with him when he is drop dead gorgeous. She’ll sleep with him regardless…

…even though she knows he lied.

Men can’t hide lies from women. We all know that. The only women who believe the lies men tell are the ones that have managed to lie to themselves before hand. That’s called cognitive dissonance, and it’s the same reason why women stick with jerk wad boyfriends that treat them like utter crap.

Women need men who lie. Western women especially can’t live in a world without lying men. That would be the equivalent of living in a patriarchal society where women are second class citizens and men are their slave masters. Think Taliban controlled Afghanistan. It’d be nothing less than that.

When men don’t lie to women and tell them the raw unbridled truth at all times, that’s when you hear that he’s “insensitive to her feelings” or that he’s a “jerk” or that he “lacks emotional sensitivity” – all of which is a trailer load of crock. Men lie to allow women to sleep well at night. Women know this too.

So go ahead. Lie to me. Say it isn’t true.

4. A man with a large member

Ladies, your vagina is only 4 inches deep on average. If we account for distance gained due to curvature of the canal and the distance between his crotch the entrance to your precious place, then reasonably speaking, the average woman can handle nothing substantially larger than 6.5 inches.

Not comfortably anyway – unless you’re practicing to deliver live young.

While the vagina does stretch to accommodate the extra length in particularly large men, it is no less painful and according to many women, will feel a lot like trying to force a sausage into one of your nostrils. Yeah. It’s that sexy. Women talk about wanting a big man all the time, when they can’t really handle one.

I like your ambition though. It’s amusing.

Women change their opinion on this all the time. They tend to only want a big man when they’re horny, but coil up in pain when it doesn’t fit. It’s a lot like going to a supermarket when you’re hungry. You tend to buy a lot of useless crap you will never eat, only to have your refrigerator filled with spoiled goods.

A survey by the Kinsey Institute revealed that the average American woman finds men with large phalli to be just as sexually appealing as the thought of them using it on them to be frightening. This is because most men with a large penis have no idea of how painful it is to have one inserted into them.

That’s why they tear up vaginas as if it were a joke.

What a woman really needs is a man who knows how to use his penis to pleasure her. Men with large members never usually bother to learn, since they think that their size will automatically take care of everything. As such, they tend to be far less caring than their smaller brethren when thrusting.

Men with big penises have a nasty tendency to try and fit all of it into a woman at once. Sounds painful? What’s worse is that they also tend to be anxious to use it and don’t usually want to wait until you are lubricated enough before attempting penetration. You’ll bleed through your spleen when he’s done.

So the next time you ladies think about wanting a man with a big John, think about needing a man who knows how to make love to you. You don’t want to have your cervix bludgeoned to bits by what amounts to little more than a really horny a battering ram – not unless you’re really into that sort of thing.

Freak.

5. A really handsome / famous / successful guy

Again, women fail to examine the economics of things they say they want before they ask for them. Nothing is wrong with wanting a really hot catch. It’s just that having a particularly outstanding male as your beau comes with two particular issues that you might want to think about very, very carefully:

  1. The improbability of his faithfulness – He’s cute, so he’s going to get a lot of tail being offered to him for nothing. Good looking guys are rarely faithful, not because they can’t be, but largely because the buffet is much larger. He will have the finest selection from the gene pool being offered to him daily (which may or may not include you) and the urge to upgrade will be a terribly irresistible temptation.
  2. Other women circling your nest – If there’s one thing I’ve found out about female sexuality, it’s that there’s no honour among women when it comes to men. Men will trade war stories about their exploits, while women trade claws. What’s worse, is that women tend to prefer men who are unavailable; married men especially. I see this happen all the time. Girls don’t care about their sisters’ feelings when they go trawling for male meat. At least men have a bushido code of honour that we are blood bound to by death. Women are bound by fangs and claws and not much else. Just ask Tiger Woods’ mistresses.

I’m not suggesting that you can’t snare yourself an übermann. It’s just that the price of freedom (like any other high ideal) is eternal vigilance. So the moment you snare your ultimate hot dog, you may need to shed your girlfriends post haste – and prepare to deal with the imminent insecurity.

What women need in this context is a guy who genuinely loves them. If he happens to also be attractive, rich and / or famous, then you should consider that a bonus – not a requirement. Putting the cart before the horse like that is sure to snag you some class A jerks, pimps and maybe a STI or two to boot.

Men who make it in life long before they get married are almost impossible to tie down – not with all those women swarming them like vultures after carrion. Furthermore, if you’re not notably better looking than most of his female friends, you’re going to have some serious self image issues to deal with.

What Women Want in Life

Like clockwork, there are some things that you can dangle in front of any woman and get them to perform simple tasks:

  1. Chocolate
  2. Shoes
  3. Handbags
  4. A Sale where you buy two pairs of shoes and get a handbag or chocolate free

Nah… I’m kidding. (Actually I’m not, but my lawyer said I should type that in). However in life, there are certain things that women claim to want that appears to be grossly unrealistic. The following are five of the top things women claim to want that seem to be in conflict with what they actually need:

1. Career

Sooner or later, you’re going to have to choose which one is more important: Having children first or just focusing on Career. Many women do both – albeit, with mixed results. However, this is one of the many reasons why many women claim to be migrating from STEM careers – to go start a family.

What women actually need in this context is self actualization. Too many of them sacrifice their marriage or home life in the pursuit of this trite form of happiness. Many do realise eventually however that they derive a greater sense of self actualization from raising a family, with career in second place.

2. Equality

Women claim to want equality with men when they only actually need equal recognition. The chant for female equality has long outlived it’s natural purpose, becoming a dangerous behemoth that threatens the natural structure of the family while insidiously endangering the role of men in society.

But think about this carefully: If women become equal with a men, not only does that mean that chivalry would be automatically killed by these over ambitious women, but it would also mean that women would no longer be exempt from certain unpleasant things men once held strictly in their domain.

I find it most odd that women in this day and age who have drawn themselves up to the same level of recognition as men, still expect to be romanced and to enjoy the benefits of chivalry. I have no issues with these things. It’s just hypocritical to want equality with men and then still expect to be treated as though they were still the fairer sex. Ladies, be careful of what you want.

Equality does not consistently work in your favour.

3. To be Appreciated

While everyone wants to be appreciated, women tend to use the word out of context, usually irking their male counterparts when they make false claims about the true nature of their lover’s affection. Men show appreciation very differently from women. The trouble is that most women fail to recognize it.

When a woman says she wants to be appreciated, she actually means she needs to feel acknowledged. Women complain all the time that men don’t appreciate the hard work they do at home – which in some strange leap of logic, implies that he doesn’t love her. Men are not quite so complicated.

The remarkable simplicity of a man’s psychology is usually misinterpreted as his being aloof and uncaring. I’m not saying that men are therefore off the hook from saying “thank you” or putting a little more effort in keeping the house tidy, or doing the dishes after he’s had dinner. Those things still count.

However, men show appreciation for a woman’s lifestyle by facilitating it through his role as the head of the house hold. Just as how no woman would want a man who is an unambitious bum, most men don’t want a woman who is useless in the house as a nurturer. This is a most critical observation.

A man knows a woman loves him not by how much she says it, but by the things she does. Similarly, when he maintains his role as faithful husband, primary (or secondary) bread winner, father, family patriarch and role model, he is doing exactly the same thing by complementing her role at home.

However, there’s nothing wrong with men covering that insecurity before it becomes an arguing point. While we men do find it annoying to have to repeatedly acknowledge these little things on a daily basis (isn’t once enough?), I personally find that the daily top up technique makes her happier.

…no matter how irrational it seems.

4. To not be sexually objectified

Even if we say we won’t, that’ll never happen. Women claim to not appreciate being cat called at – but it’s the same kind of cognitive dissonance they exhibit when they get what they need instead of what they want. Every woman needs to feel recognized daily as being beautiful and sexually attractive.

…even if the recognition is poorly packaged.

I mean let’s be honest; How many of you women would opt out of wearing those form fitting pants, low cut blouses that slightly expose your cleavage, or those short skirts that expose just enough thigh to get a man’s mind going? I didn’t think so. You need to feel sexy and you can’t turn that feeling off.

…just like how we men can’t turn off our excitement about it.

I’m not saying that a woman’s desire to feel sexy is a free pass for a man to be sexually oppressive. One doesn’t justify the other. However, one does cause the other. I think it is highly irrational to leave your house looking like hot sex in a short skirt and not expect to get propositioned. That’s just silly.

Ladies: Don’t slit your wrist and jump into shark infested waters and expect to not get nudged by a great white. That’s why we sometimes have a hard time taking some of your complaints seriously. We’re all more than aware that many of you girls don’t just love the attention, you need it. Every woman does.

5. The Elusive ‘O’

I find it very amusing that many women who want an orgasm are frustrated that they can only give it to themselves (or get it from another woman). It’s amusing because it proves unequivocally that women seem to prefer fantasy over reality. You ladies need to stop reading those trite romance novels.

They are grossly misleading.

Women who can achieve regular orgasm without trying too hard were more architecturally designed by natural biological forces (i.e. genetics) to have that capacity. For such women, they could reach an orgasm irrespective of the size of a man’s penis or his sexual prowess – or even without penetration.

So for most of you men who think you are God because your woman comes every single time, you probably need to check if she can do it by just thinking about it. Yes, there are actually women out there who can bring themselves to an orgasm by just thinking about it. Sorry to burst your bubble, buddy.

(See video interview here with Dr. Barry Komisaruk on psycho-activated female orgasms.)

But ladies, people don’t magically orgasm together. Over 80% of women don’t achieve any orgasm at all during sex. A smaller number has never experienced one at all. Finally, no man comes equipped with the natural talent to bring a woman to climax. Any man who can, simply learned how to do it right.

But what’s really going to bake your noodles, ladies, is that even if a man learned how to bring a woman off, the technique is highly specific to individual women. So a technique that works for her, may not work for you. But the truth is that technically, female orgasms are not necessary for reproduction.

Male orgasms, however, are.

What women really need in this context is a man who is as deeply invested in her interests as she is in his. Such men are rare, but they’re out there. They are the guys who will go to great lengths to explore a woman’s body to actually figure out the idiosyncrasies of what makes it work to give her an O.

Men like that are not the “wham bam, thank you ma’am” types. They are the guys who will spend the time necessary to get you to see the face of God before he follows behind you through heaven’s door. That’s the ultimate act of chivalry – especially considering that your orgasm isn’t really that important.

So put away those romance novels and find a guy who is willing to do just as much exploration as you are. You need to invest in learning about each other so that you can develop a certain sense of rhythm and sexual chemistry that can only come from an authentic, deeply loving and trusting relationship.

Then, and only then, will the O’s come (no pun intended) in spades, along with simultaneous, mind bending, reality altering, spinal rending, epileptic seizure inducing moments of cognitive retardation. It’s just that for most women, it takes a lot of work, a lot of time and a lot of real love to boot to get there.

Conclusively;

Doesn’t it bother anyone else but myself even just a little that women appear to be strangely more obsessed with the process of getting married as opposed to actually being married? While I understand that wedding preparations are the ultimate right brain candy for women, is that all there is?

This is one of the best examples of where women confuse their wants and their needs. Little girls spend their entire childhood lives dreaming of that glorious white wedding. They dream of the fanciful fair of the events leading up to the day from the moment he proposed, but their dream stops right there.

If half of the women who are now divorced poured a quarter of the effort into their marriage as they did into the glamour of their wedding day, I’m sure they would probably still be married right now. The other half probably should have spent just as much effort learning about the guy they were about to marry.

But I digress.

My point is that what a woman wants is largely irrelevant. What a woman really needs is the thing we should become more preoccupied with. The often impulsive nature of a woman’s instinctive taste should be our first clue that emotional intelligence is something many women seem to lack by default.

Either way, that’s why there are both men and women in the equation. Women fill a functional role inasmuch as men do. Women are men’s hearts while men are their minds. The two roles complement each other in a beautiful ballad of symbiotic harmony as both parties truly learn to satisfy each other.

…that is, in all the ways that genuinely matter.

While we strive not to forget that, understanding the psychology of a woman’s expectations will prove to be a lot more rewarding for serious relationships. If you play your cards right, your woman will thank you for it, even though she may not be consciously aware of why. Technically, she doesn’t really need to.

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  1. LoStranger
    August 13, 2010 at 10:08 pm

    good article and i mentioned this in another article but I tend to find more boyish girls attractive

    and I value platonic friendship/love more then sex

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